Ever feel like you need to get away from something, but you can't quite tell what that something is? That has been this week, for me. I really want to have time by myself, for myself, away from everything. Instead I'm just overloaded by what's going on. One of these days I'm just going to go spare...

-Mitch

I've got my Ps! Wooh! Driving for Mitch. I'm feeling so good about this. It took ages, but I've done it. I've got them, and when bub comes along I can swoop in with the car and save the day. Awesome.

In other news, I own a house. Surprise!

It's been almost two months since I've been on here. My ISP is blocking Mindsay again, or maybe it's the other way around. Ridiculous, but it's happening. I'm slightly more current on Facebook as there's no way they could get away with that. Ah well.

-Mitch

So today was looking like a good day. We were talking, she was feeling better after a rest, and then I cut her off in conversation. I thought I paused long enough for her to continue if she wanted to. Apparently not. It all went to crap after that.

I'm trying to write this without blaming either of us. I'd like to think that we both care enough to watch what we're saying, and to respect the other people.

I think it just boils down to: we're just both dickheads when we're angry. In her moods she's the last person I want to talk to. Nasty, abusive, and rejects anything and eveything the target of her fury attemps, even if it's something that benefits only her.

As for me, I just tell people to piss off until they get the idea. If they persist in talking to me I'll usually resort to saying what horrid things I can until they leave.

Sometimes I hold it in, sometimes she holds it in. If they ever get out at the same time we're in for a miserable few hours. Mind you, I'm in for a miserable few hours even if it's just her. Luckily for her I'm usually only a jerk for a few minutes. Although, she tends to suffer grievances longer than I. I guess we're both screwed, and neither lucky.

At least we're as bad as each other, I guess. I've got to remember that next time she goes spare. I've got to remember that I probably upset her just as much, though possibly more sutbly and over a longer period of time.

We're bastards, both of us, and we're awesome, too. If only we could see that all the time.

-Mitch

So we're buying a house, and we know there is work that needs to be done on it. Painting is a must, we both agree on that. There are a few other points that we agree on, but on particular point of contention is the floors. Wooden floor, mostly good but with a few rough patches. I want to redo the floors of the entire house. Sand them back, reseal them, each and every room. She thinks that this is a stupid idea, and that the floors are fine. She thinks I don't listen, and that my insistence on doing the floors is based on a belief that the house is actually mine and has nothing to do with her.

I think it has to do with protecting our investment. The floors are unnecessary inasmuch as they won't directly improve our lives. The improvement mostly comes from the way they'll age better. I'd of course feel a sense of satisfaction in that I'd been working on my house.

We've had a talk about it. Maybe I'll do it after we've moved in. There are more important things to do, but it'll still be great when it's finished. Now all I need is the money for new guttering, fences, and verandah.

Who wants to chip in?

-Mitch

So, just finished getting yelled and sworn at again. Some people are pretty abusive when they're angry.

This is so far from being the first time I wonder how she can't see it. The yelling and the raging doesn't help, as far as I can tell. It usually ends in tears, late at night, and ruins the entire day. I haven't worked out if I can help. I've tried, but that often results in more yelling and swearing. If I don't help it's then me being accused of not caring. Take today, for example:

Upset, she calls me. I listen, and try to suggest things, and then drift off and stop paying attention. My fault, but I didn't mean to. She hangs up.

I try calling back to no avail. Calls rejected, or her phone is off.

A while later I get a message telling me how much of a jerk I am. Alright, that's nothing new. So I let her be, thinking she'll want to cool off and not talk to me.

Later on, another message. Worse than the last one. I send one back, trying to be nice. I think I managed it. Didn't receive feedback.

I call and call, rejected most times. I start to wonder what she wants. Me to care, or not to care. Finally get through, and am told that I don't care at all. Well, if that were the case I'd not have bothered calling, and certainly wouldn't have just bought her something (had planned to buy it anyway. That's caring, right?). I tell her that I don't like being yelled at, and am trying to think of something to say where I won't be. She hangs up after determining that I can't achieve that feat.

I call back on my mobile to talk. That way I can be out of work, and speak more candidly. Yelled at again, told I don't care, and that I'm never telling the truth. She says I'll neglect my children if I'm allowed to look after them, as that's what I'm doing to her. She says this justifies swearing at me. I am puzzled, as on at least 50% of nights or days off I am doing what I think she wants to do, rather than relaxing on my own terms. This is my opinion though; expect hers to differ.

She tells me I'm a horrible person, and that I deserve everything she's throwing at me. I say that if she is throwing all this at me and I'm trying to be reasonable and talk it through then surely she can't be any better than she says I am. She swears and hangs up.

I ask her to talk to me as an adult, and that I don't think she's acting appropriately, and she sends back a formally worded message that avoids the subject, but is cooly civil.

I've sent her one back (communicating by text is bollocks, but sometimes I have to use it) asking her to talk to me not formally, but maturely about our recent problems. That's where we're up to.

The problem with the above is it's how I remember things. I expect her to read it and tell me I'm full of it, and always make myself look good. I do tend to remember things in a way that suits me, but that's a problem stemming from my poor capability of dealing with my own shortcomings and failings. Hopefully it isn't too far from the truth.

I'd really like not to be sworn at again, though. It's pretty demoralising. I feel as though she's two different people, sometimes. There's the one that I enjoy talking to, the one that will cuddle up to me and will play games, whatever, with me. Then there's the one that yells, swears, avoids me, shrugs me off, and threatens all sorts of things.

It's hard to understand sometimes how they're the same person. I wonder to what degree I'm like that.

-Mitch